Tom’s work requires him to travel a lot! He will be gone for weeks at a time. Then home for a few days and off again.
This past trip he has been gone for 3 weeks. These have been some of the most difficult weeks I have passed through in a while.
Sometimes when he is gone, and things have been rough, I get locked down into survival mode and rely on myself to make it through. What happens is I push him out of my inner world. He can’t be here and so my heart locks down. It’s not purposeful, nor it is out of anger or hurt. It’s just what happens when I have to dig deep and make it through.
When he walks back through the door, I can be pretty preoccupied and dismissive. I barely acknowledge that he is home and keep doing whatever I’m involved in. It takes a while for me to open back up. It’s like I need time to be reacquainted and trust that I’m not alone.
He will be home in a few hours.
I want this time to be different. What I know is that whatever I would love to feel is just a memory away so I’m reaching into the memory banks to when we were dating. Back then, when I knew he was on a plane heading home, my heart would jump with excitement. I loved listening to love songs and anticipate his big strong arms around me and the snuggle while we watched tv.
Today I’m going to go find those songs and listen again. I’m going to re-experience that excitement. I’m the only one who can feel for me. That’s not Tom’s job. I’m the only one who can choose to generate the feelings I want. The power to generate any emotion I desire to feel is just one memory away. I choose to remember and re-experience excited joyful anticipation! To me this is what it means to “choose JOY”.
Today, I choose joyful reconnection!