How to Believe When You Are Triggered By Your Past
by Ann Ferguson
“When there is a choice, I choose to believe.” Leslie Householder’s voice was in my mind.
“What kind of doctor ordered your MRI for today?” the lady behind the registration desk asked. My doctor is a naturopath. Oh no, I thought, not this, not now… “What do you mean, what kind of doctor?” I answered. “He’s the same kind of doctor he was when he ordered my MRI a year and a half ago. Why? Is there a problem?” “Just a moment, I need to check on something,” she stood up and walked over to her co-workers.
They whispered as they conferred. The woman sat back down and smiled at me with a kind of smile that says I’m about to deliver bad news, but I want you to be ok with it. “I’m so sorry, but your doctor is not authorized to order diagnostic testing. So, we will not be able to help you today.” My heart deflated, then the warrior in me kicked in. I took a deep breath, let it out, and squared my shoulders. “That’s strange,” I said, trying not to show the frustration, “Do you know why?.” She looked at me, and patronizingly said, “Well, it has to be ordered by a ‘real’ doctor.” The hair on my neck stood up, and the feelings of injustice surged through my veins. It had already been a really rough morning, and now I was on the verge of losing it altogether. On the outside, I looked very calm. On the inside, I was churning with a cocktail of anger, victimhood, frustration, fear, disappointment, and pissosity.
I took another breath, and with a curious, innocent tone said, “I’m confused. If my doctor was a real doctor who has been ordering MRI’s for the past 15 years, what makes him not a real doctor now?” She shot a look at her co-workers whose ears were tuned into our interchange. One of them said, “You might want to call a supervisor.” She picked up the phone and dialed an extension. No answer. The calendar on the computer showed that the next supervisor in the chain of command was in a meeting. She told her co-workers she couldn’t reach anyone. They all looked at me. I kept calm and smiled. I was not going to surrender. “I’ll go find Scott,” she said. She picked up my file and told me she would be back.
I stood at the desk and stared blankly at her empty chair. My imagination was fired up. I saw all that would happen when she came back with the supervisor to tell me I couldn’t get the MRI. I wished my husband had waited before he ran home to get the insurance card that I forgot to bring to the appointment. He had held it together pretty well when we discovered that it wasn’t in my purse, and had gone to look for it.
I envisioned him as he walked through the hospital doors and submitted with frustration to the Covid-19 prevention protocols. He walked to the imaging waiting room and sat down next to me. I felt his annoyance that things had not gone smoothly due to my not being on top of things. I explained that I had been refused the test. He got frustrated with the hospital staff and told them how displeased he was with the whole thing. We marched out with indignation. I cried all the way home and felt overwhelmed with a plethora of negative emotions throughout the day. The day was ruined, and I had to wait even longer to find out if the lump I had found was what I feared the most.
I don’t know how long I stood there. I was lost in my thoughts, and they were leading me into the dark abyss of worst-case scenarios. They were clear and real, even though they hadn’t played out yet. After about five minutes, one of the ladies behind the desk said, “You can go sit down and wait, we’ll call you when we have an answer for you.”
I turned around, found a seat, and took a deep breath to slow my heartbeat. That’s when I heard Leslie’s voice, “When I have a choice, I choose to believe.” I closed my eyes and took a few more breaths. Choose to believe….Choose to believe… my mind caught hold of a phrase I learned in Mindset Mastery. “Think truth in spite of appearances,” That was what I needed to do. Think truth in spite of appearances. It was time to put into practice what I learned in Mindset Mastery and Genius Bootcamp. I opened my eyes and looked around. Tom had still not come back with the insurance card. I shut my eyes again.
Deep breath, “Ok,” I thought, “What is the data telling me? The data says I’m not going to get this test done today. The data says the medical world is against me because the first time I found a lump, it was breast cancer, and I denied chemotherapy and radiation. It was a battle of wills between the medical community and me. And today, four years later, it was playing out again. The data says that western medicine will not help me because I’m not doing it their way. They are blocking the doctor I have chosen to work with.” Despair started to rise up.
I took a breath. “Think truth in spite of appearances. What is the truth? Heavenly Father, what is the truth?” I prayed. “The truth is, everything is according to God’s timing.” The thought came as a sweet reminder. “The truth is, everything is, according to God’s timing.” My mind started to calm down as I caught hold of this new idea. “So,” I reasoned, “If I don’t get the test today, it’s part of a bigger plan. There is something about today that God is orchestrating on my behalf. Maybe he is redirecting me to another facility. Maybe there is something more than I know going on right now.”
I was starting to feel the comfort that comes when you find the truth. I prayed, “Ok, Lord, I give this all to you. Thank you for always having me in your hands. I’m willing to just ride this experience out. I’ll stay calm and watch what happens.” This was the moment. The moment I chose to believe. I took another deep breath and let it out. The knots in my shoulders were starting to release. I choose to believe!
There were a lot of things that appeared to be out of my control. As the visions of the negative future I had imagined came into my mind, I bounced them out by asking myself, “What do I want? What would I love? What would I love to experience?” “Father,” I prayed, I will ride this out and be grateful for whatever comes, but what I would really love is for this test to be done today. I want to do it today, so I can move forward with knowledge. That would be really great. Would you please help me know what I need to do so that I’m not the limiting factor in this situation? “See it done.” was the thought that entered my mind. “I choose to believe,” I whispered.
It was time to practice the Law of Transmutation. “Ok,” I thought, “everything is either being drawn toward me or away from me. My conscious mind can create new thoughts. I have the power to envision a possible positive future or continue to ruminate in the possible negative future I imagined a few minutes ago. It is my choice and power to focus on what I want. Wow, taking Mindset Mastery was a great thing to do,” I laughed. At this point, I was feeling pretty empowered.
“So, what do I want to FEEL in my future?” I was now in the zone of creation. “I want to feel calm that everything is as it should be. I want to feel supported, I want to feel relief and peace.” There, that felt good. I let each feeling come up in my body. “What does it look like done?” I continued. I asked WITH positive emotions vibrating in my body. I envisioned myself on the MRI table. I heard the music in the headphones that were provided to block out the machine’s loud noises. I felt the coolness of the contrast as it released through the IV into my veins. I realized that this vision could happen today or another day. Whenever in my future it was, I laid calmly on the table. Gratitude washed over me. The technology that allowed my doctor to see inside my body was truly amazing. I faced my fear, and the answers were coming. It was done. It was clear and real, even though it hadn’t played out yet.
The scene in my mind changed. I saw myself sitting in my doctor’s office. He had the test results in his hands. I wasn’t nervous, just ready to know what the lump was all about. I was in harmonious vibration with the MRI.
Tom startled me a bit when he sat down next to me. I opened my eyes and reoriented myself. I had been so lost in the vision that I forgot that I was in the waiting room. I told him what had transpired between the receptionist and me and explained why I was still waiting. He wasn’t frustrated like I had previously imagined. Instead, he grabbed my hand, and I felt his support. We waited another twenty minutes before the receptionist, and the supervisor walked into the waiting room. She looked at me and whispered, “He’s probably going to tell you no.” Then, she walked behind her desk. I was calm and unruffled.
The supervisor looked at the computer screen, asked some questions, grabbed an orange folder, and walked toward me. He sat down and said, “I’m so sorry you have had to wait so long. We have gotten everything worked out, so if you just fill out this paperwork, we will get you in for your test.” I breathed a big sigh of relief and gratitude.
“Would you mind telling me what is going on here?” I asked. He explained, “There has been a new ruling that has come down from the State. As of the first of the year, naturopathic doctors are no longer authorized to order diagnostic testing at hospitals. Your doctor signed a contract with the hospital that circumvented the red tape. Because of this, we can get this done for you. I’m sorry it took so long. I was reviewing all of the e-mail correspondence that we have had with him. I found the contract and examined it. Your doctor provided us everything we needed and signed the contract. We need to make some changes to your account. As soon as that is finished, we will take you back, and you will get your test done.
I looked at Tom and thought,” Wow! That just happened.” I smiled at the supervisor and told him, “Thank you for the effort you expended on my behalf. I really appreciate it.” He smiled and walked away. I was so excited about what had just happened. I told Tom the rest of the story. I shared how I was really anxious about what appeared to be happening and that I prayed. I explained that I intentionally changed my mind from the negative future to the positive one. He still had my hand and squeezed it as he listened. I felt so supported, relieved, calm, and at peace. I silently expressed gratitude for the entire experience and what I had learned. “Ann Ferguson,” The nurse called. I walked through the big double doors and prepped for the test.
When I look back on what happened, I notice that everything I needed for either possible future was already in place. It was my choice to experience whatever I wanted to experience. I was half-hearted, resistant, and scared to get the test when I arrived. That was evidenced by the fact that I had forgotten to bring the insurance card. The whole time I was imagining going home crying and all of the other worst-case scenarios, the contract was already in place for me to experience a positive future if I wanted it. There was a moment of choice. I wonder how often I have not recognized the moment of choice that is always available to me. I wonder how often I have given my mind over to the data that surrounds me. From now on, I am going to be more aware of that moment. I like the feeling of co-creative empowerment so much better than victimhood.
By the way, the test came back. The lump is a fibroadenoma, and there is no indication of malignancy. I have made it four years post-cancer diagnosis. As of today, I am cancer free! And I choose to believe that will be my future!